I watched Flashbacks while on flight home from Europe; it looked weird, but eventually I got bored so I did watch.  While initially put off (mostly because I didn’t really want to watch), I was eventually able to notice what was happening—a glorious story about the legacy of guilt, forgiveness and grace.

Few months later, finally saw Seven Pounds and recognized the same sort of story.  A man with a guilty past determines to do something about it to find forgiveness.

I don’t want to give either movie away, but urge you to watch both, especially Flashbacks.  It is a unique, somewhat quirky movie; it is fully a British-made movie, so perhaps its “quirkiness” was only my own American tastes filtering through.  By the end of it, I had seen at least three great points to consider:

–many people live with the guilt of something that they did.  In both movies, really bad things happened, though in neither case were the lead characters truly guilty.  Smith’s character makes a bad judgment call, but nothing worse than many of us have done.  Craig’s character, even more tragically, is nothing more than a kid who gets betrayed by an adult, but he takes on the guilt.  If you get nothing more from these movies, please realize that you will derail your own life by harboring too much guilt.  If there needs to be real reconciliation, then get to it, but in all cases, you cannot go back and change what has happened.  Look, I don’t mean to downplay  that in many cases, you should feel bad about something that happened.  You should feel guilty, but deal with it in the best way possible and work to bring reconciliation or restitution.  Then, get on with living.  Craig’s character literally destroys his life; it is a tragedy to watch (and well played by Craig).  It is so sad; he ruins most of his adult life because he thinks he is so guilty for some heinous happening.

–forgiveness is so sweet.  The Bible talks about this.  We are told that as we forgive so shall we experience forgiveness.  Forgiveness is like a long wonderful bath after days without; that cleansing feeling with the hot water, fresh as the grime rolls off our bodies.  We need this for our souls; we need to offer this to others.  In both movies, the most touching point of the movie is to see the lead characters finally start to find a sense of forgiveness.  Craig’s character finally is forced to confront old friends, though one is now deceased.  He expects to be judged, hated, confronted over the past, yet instead, he warmly experiences forgiveness.  That act by his friends finally allows himself to forgive himself, to move past the guilt.  At the end, we see his character finally living happy, free, clean after decades of unwashed filth had covered his soul.

–to offer forgiveness, we must walk in grace.  Lots of times, my students are surprised that I give them grace on certain issues.  I do have a “high bar” related to my class and carry high expectations for them, but in many situations, offering grace is the best thing for my students.  When asked about it, I relate that I offer grace because I want to also receive grace when I make mistakes, which I make often.  The sweet grace that Craig’s character receives from one of his old friends in turn allows him to return that grace towards her.  In doing so, he provides some healing for her.  She also had been carrying some degree of bitterness and guilt.  She talked about being sad at the loss of the third childhood friend, who had also become her husband, but that she was unable to cry.  Through the grace extended by Craig’s character, we see her start to weep.

Many times, people sabotage their own success journey through their reaction to poor choices.  Before long, the days roll together and they find themselves years later, living a life built on a serious of bad choices made in some form of punishment to themselves.  They feel guilty about something, refuse to accept forgiveness and soon become wrecks (like both Will Smith and Daniel Craig’s characters).

Don’t do that.  Live Well by dealing with guilt when an issue comes.  Express and accept forgiveness.  Walk in grace.

If you do, then your flashbacks won’t be those of a fool, but rather flashbacks of grace.

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Even better, 21 years before, Kim and I had spent our first days of our honeymoon in that very cabin.  So, while we got to find some rest and fun with our girls, we also had the privilege of spending time with our dear friends renewing that friendship that had blessed us so richly.

Pastor Tom and Martha Vestal had us over for two dinners, one lunch and an afternoon of shooting and riding.  It was great fun.  On Friday, as we enjoyed hanging out and just being together, Tom observed how our time was just as if we’d never been apart.

Do you have friends like that?  I hope so.  Those are the relationships that really make life worth living.  But how does that happen?  How do you end up in a relationship that, after not seeing each other for over a decade will still be as warm, supportive and encouraging as before?

You decide today to be that kind of person yourself.  You take a clue from great leaders of the past who clearly understood that a champion invests in others.  You take the time to put yourself with people who will support you.

Take the time to build strong relationships now and they will last a lifetime, even if you find yourself separated for some years.  When you reconnect, you’ll just take off right from where you last left off.  And, trust me, it’s a great feeling.

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Tom Hanks’ movie Castaway struck at this point deeply.  As they demonstrated the difficulty in acquiring the necessary things for human survival, they brought in a fifth element—relationship.  On the DVD extras, there was an interview with the survival expert who praised the writers for including this “extra need,” relationship, into the equation with the character of “Wilson.”  He said that for a human to survive, we must have connection to stay alive.  It certainly worked for Hanks’ character in the movie and the depth of the relationship is at the end of the movie, when he loses the volleyball on the high seas and is so distraught over the “death” of his friend.

Yet, even with this deep need, having a solid relationship is very hard.  The “why” of that fact is not all that difficult to figure out.  To start with we all are prideful beings.  A human and an animal, particularly a dog, can get along great because at the root, only the human really knows pride.  We also have this thing called “free will” and that often comes into conflict with another person’s own choices, own desires.  It is also difficult because of fear.  It does not take long in life to discover the pain of relationships and as young children, tears and fights easily come as we struggle to make it in the world.

Most people will adapt their own strategy for survival in relationships based out of this childhood experience.  Face enough torment from peers and many will shut down, withdraw.  Others will enjoy being the tormentor, so they adopt an aggressive attitude towards others.  Some will find a protective strategy of wearing masks, being who others want them to be.  Still some will use comedy as a mask and a protective wall.

Now raising three children and having worked with people for about 30 years, I wonder how any of us actually reach a healthy inner relationship that allows for good friendships.  For myself, this question was the most pressing.  When I was 20, it became clear to me that I simply didn’t have any deep friendships.  Oh, I have tons of “friends,” but people I could trust, those I could really count on?  Few, if any.

Looking back, it was made clear to me that the problem was more me than others.  I had a high, thick, protective wall built around my heart and I had great fear of others.  I was so fearful of not being accepted, not liked, that I simply struggled to ever let my guard down.  It took long talks and prayers with my sister, Tina, and my closest friends in college, Kyle Gatlin and Keith Pugh.  Together, they started me on the road to the deepest friendships I have ever known.  Both men are still instrumental in my life today and we speak often.

Real friendships that are deep DO MATTER.  As Castaway showed and John Donne wrote about in the early 1600s, in his work Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII, no one can make it through life alone.  We need one another.  Our society now is in crisis, I believe, mostly on this point.  We need community.  We need connection, yet most of us do not have it.  So, even if you’ve been burned before (and who hasn’t?), you keep working with a trust of others to allow for and build up strong relationships.

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.”

John Donne, Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII

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The movie does a great job of showing the various foibles of the teen years and how, sometimes, we “forget” how we acted as a teen.  We instruct our kids to do certain things (or avoid them) acting, all the while, as if we were saints as teens.

But, the journey of Fox’s character was not what caught my attention as I enjoyed the movie again with my daughters.  What grabbed me was the life of his father, George McFly.  As you enter the movie, we are presented with the adult George who is, at best, a nerdy, socially inept man who struggles to make his life work.

He is still bullied by others, mocked by his children and dismissed by his wife.  Though in love at some earlier point in the marriage, clearly by the time of the start of the movie, his wife has deep regrets for every choosing George.  Were this movie written in current times rather than in the early 80s, the couple would already be divorced, based on the looks, sounds and words of his wife.  His son, Marty, played by Fox, is sadly embarrassed and disappointed in his dad.

After Marty ends up back in 1955, though, something interesting happens.  Through the twists of the movie, George confronts and literally “knocks out” his main tormentor in a heroic scene involving the younger wife-to-be.  It’s the kind of scene designed to bring a cheer from the audience.

The movie progresses forward then to its surprising end; not only does Marty successfully get home to 1985, but to his shock, he finds that George has radically changed.  The stumbling goof at the start of the movie has transformed to a successful author happily in love with his wife.  His new life has rubbed off on his wife who has kept in great shape and seems more alive than ever (unlike what we saw earlier).  The other children are also shown to be people creating successful lives in the world.

Wow—all that from one act?  Yes!!

On the cover of my book Success for Life, I wrote “a successful life is composed of the many small decisions where a choice is made between greatness and cutting corners, between valor and what is easy.”  The movie of George McFly’s life demonstrates exactly what I was trying to say with words.

I often counsel people who are trying to find success and they seem to be waiting for some great single moment to “show up.”  Meanwhile, they keep missing the smaller moments when they need to decide to be great, to be valorous, to be a true success.  Maybe they miss the chance to stop their friends from gossiping; perhaps they have a chance to say no to cheating.  Sometimes, its just as simple as deciding to be a pleasant person and give others in the office a genuine smile.  These are the “many small decisions” that shape and define your life.

While they are wondering when the spotlight will come or their ship to come in, they are crafting a life like the early George McFly—full of regret, leaving a trail of mockery, poor choices and decisions lamented over.  They sadly wonder why their kids don’t respect them; they are curious as to why they can’t hold a decent job.  Perhaps they are trying to figure out where the spark of their love went in that marriage relationship.

In many cases, I can tell them that it didn’t happen in one moment, but rather in accepting a life that is far smaller than it should be.  If they could go back, and have the encouragement that George got from his son who spent the time in 1955 telling his father than he should live boldly, these people I work with could perhaps find the same chance to actually stand strong, even in the face of opposition.

I know that those moments such as what George faced are scary, that it’s easier to bail, but you can do it.  And don’t think that your situation is not as glamorous or as life-altering as George’s was.  I promise you that your life IS built on those small decisions.   And, people notice!!

Immediately after George stood his ground and chose to pursue greatness and valor, people were asking, “who’s that guy?”  Others began to see something deeper in George than ever he saw; one schoolmate asked George to run for school class President.  Remember, he was the same 17-year-old, somewhat goofy guy with a bad haircut.  What was different?  The way he carried himself and how he believed in himself.  That popular and powerful person was there all along, but till that moment, he had been choosing a small life, a life of cutting corners and accepting the picture others were painting of him.

I want you to live your life boldly, to Live Well.  To do that, you have to decide today to live a great life.  No, you don’t have to punch out the bully, but you do have to decide to meet each moment of your life with greatness.  If you do, then the next 30 years will end up in a life that you will embrace and be happy with. . .and your son won’t need to go back in time to help you change things.

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I know, hard to believe.  Take a good read of this article to see how the writers of Men’s Health put it.  The summary comes in these four steps to accuracy and relaxed precision:

Step 1: Do your homework. For sports, that means a ton of practice; for something more mental, such as a speech, it means research. Either way, the goal is to know your moves or your topic inside and out. “Your mind loves to compartmentalize,” says Herbert Benson, M.D., a mind/body researcher at Harvard medical school, “so once it knows that you’re equipped for the task, it will shift from ‘Needs Urgent Attention’ to ‘Automatic.’”

Step 2: Turn over the controls. You can’t shift to autopilot if your hands are still on the stick. Distract your conscious mind by creating a silent mantra or some ritualized action. For example, bounce the basketball exactly three times before every foul shot. Still can’t let go? Focus on a sensation, such as the taste of your last sip of coffee or the sound of the air conditioner.

Step 3: Stay detached. Once you sense that your performance is peaking, resist the temptation to gloat — even mentally. “When you know you’re in the zone, you’re out of it,” says Dr. Benson. “Back off and ignore the highs and lows of the moment. You’re just doing your thing.”

Step 4: Believe in yourself. After the applause has died down, watch what you tell yourself about the feat. Specifically, do not think, I was lucky or I played over my head. Instead, prepare yourself for next time by reinforcing the belief that you can hit your peak whenever you want, which, of course, you can.

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Here it is.  Committing yourself to another person and giving them 100% of your best effort.

Kim and I have a great marriage.  It starts with our mutual commitment to something higher than ourselves in Jesus Christ.  Through Him, we find ourselves growing and changing in ways that actually protects our marriage.  Through Him, we recognize that we have made a covenant to one another and are determined to protect that promise.

Its not easy.  I mean, I can be real tough to live with.  Neither of us is perfect.  We make mistakes and we have hurt one another, yet here we are, 21 years later.

This is a successful life.  If neither of us do anything of any other substance in our lives, we have succeeded.  We have given ourselves to another human and devoted ourselves to making life good for that person.

As you move along your own path, my prayer for you is that you also have that same experience.  You have to be willing to make sacrifices; true love always includes sacrifice.  You have to embrace patience and an honesty with your own faults in order to better deal with the issues of your mate.  Yet, you can do it.

Some people imply that marriage, the act of giving yourself to another, is too hard.  That’s why they suggest things like moving in together, or why you hear about so many young people just deciding that they’ll go ahead and have kids and worry about marriage later.  Well, marriage is hard, but its not “too hard.”  You can do it too.

And, if you don’t think marriage is in your current plans, take the lesson on how you deal with others.  Invest deeply in the lives of others.  Give yourself to something larger than yourself.  Be devoted to the success of others through your consistent friendship.  That is a true life of success.

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This past week, after furiously grading finals to hit the deadline, I then hopped a plane to Tennessee in order to minister to my mother.  Mom just had knee replacement surgery and had come home to continue her rehab.  The previous 3 weeks she had been in a full-service facility, but now she was going to be at home.  Its tougher than you think to minister to people that you know–past relationships, mental gymnastics of emotions, considerations of payback all play havoc with the simple act of giving.

With Mom, I needed to clean her feet, put on her socks, help her up, work on her exercises with her, encourage her and many other things, most of which have not been in our relationship.  I mean, she’s “Mom”–she takes care of me.  Even when I’ve tried to care for her, when I come home, she loves to “wait on me.”  Nice, but come on, I’m turning 46 this week–kind of time to let me take care of her.  It was a nice turn, though I know she’d have wished to take care of me instead.  When I left, she was as sad as usual, but I know she really was happy that I helped her, though briefly.

So, I flew back late on Friday night, getting home around 9:45.  Today, Saturday, I was back up at 7:45 to get ready to go to downtown Orlando to do a simple ministry to the homeless.  One of the guys in my church has really felt a desire to minister to the homeless in a pretty simple way.  Now, he’s already an expert in the act of service, the simple concept of helping another, so now he is leading our church to push out of that comfort zone in order to take “living well” to the realm of “generous living.”

I took my middle daughter, met a few of our friends, and we wandered around downtown handing out food gift cards.  While the food concept is useful, what was really cool was how we had wonderful conversations.  We were able to “be the hands and feet of Jesus” in touching another, giving a hug, listening.  It was so nice, simple and kind.

I know I use this blog to expand upon my life’s work of teaching others to “live well.”  Its what I do.  And we talk about various aspects of life success.  Yet, at the end of the day, you can do a lot of good in progressing towards a rich and rewarding life by actually just getting out there and doing something generous, doing something for which you will get no compensation in return.

So, that’s the challenge.  Get out there.  Put down the “to-do list.”  Let the pen stop writing more goals, stop thinking of more things for the bucket list.  Quit sharpening the saw for a while, and just go love on someone.

You’ll be glad you did!

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Cashless economy—a nice term for credit card hell.  Leaving aside the scary, psycho-religious fears of the one world system, antichrist, 666 take over, there are still many issues in a cashless society.  Currently, almost 40% of Americans owe over $10,000 of credit card, unsecured debt; this does not take into consideration home mortgage debt.  And when you consider the fact that in 2008, over $20 Billion was paid in overdraft protection and subsequent fees, one wonders if cashless is such a good idea.

For many who feel no need to balance a checkbook (“checkbook, what’s that?”) such cashlessness is a trap into danger.  Many also fail to notice that by not using “real money” they spend more.  In 2005 story, a Lakeland, FL McDonald’s owner put self-service ordering machines in the lobby as a way for customers to order their food.  Not only have the machines been a huge hit, even inspiring lines to use the machines when a human is available to take the order, the owners discovered that customers spend about $1 more per order.  That reflects about a 30% increase.  Of course anyone who uses a credit card to purchase items knew that would happen; on average a person makes their purchases with their credit card will purchase more than planned.

So it’s evil, right?  Well, maybe, but to bury our heads in the sand at the fact that a cashless economy is on the way accomplishes nothing.  In fact, what must be done is to begin today to teach proper resource management based on this aspect of life.  At the moment we can certainly still teach the concept of living within one’s means via cash and the simple envelope system.  If your budget has you planning on spending $25 in gas over the month, then you place the $25 into an envelope and spend accordingly.  When it is gone, then it is gone.  You don’t use your credit/debit card to fill up.

However, in a cashless society, that simply will not be an available option.  So, in that society, how do we teach good resource management?  Here are some simple thoughts that can guide us as we enter this brave new world.

• Learn this mantra:  “My credit/debit/prepaid card IS CASH.”  Over time, this may not be as big a deal as young people grow up in a setting where there is no cash (hmm, what will the tooth fairy bring to little children?)  But for now, my experience implies that most of us have a hard time convincing ourselves that the electronic 1s and 0s are real money.
• Have a real budget.  This cannot be over-emphasized.  Obviously a budget, based on your real income and your real, needed expenses is critical today, but will be even more so in our cashless future.
• Prioritize your time so that you spend at least one hour a week reviewing and keeping track of your spending.  Keep in mind this is in order to protect your life and lifestyle long term.  In our household, much of our banking is currently done via the bank’s online site.  My wife spends approximately an hour overseeing this process.
• Utilize the computer.   Whether you are using your bank’s online electronic payment features or one of the many computer programs designed to help you with the books, the computer is your friend.
• Understand the credit process. Flora Williams, Ph.d, AFC, RFC, a professor emerita of family economics and financial counseling/planning at Purdue University says “For example, know whether your student loan is deferred for beginning payments, when the interest charges begin, or if the interest is also deferred.”
• Plan ahead.  Dr. Williams adds, “One of the curses of credit is that you no longer need to think, plan, and set priorities; instead, one passively accepts all that credit can buy. Signing for a credit card to get a free candy bar or tee-shirt (or whatever) is not the right reason – it could be the most expensive candy bar or tee shirt you ever got!”
• The review process will demand that you check your receipts, bills, fees and electronic transfers against your banks accounting of it.  Whether you are using a computer budgeting program or something simpler such as a ledger book, you must maintain that record.  While many will cease to have or use a checkbook, the idea of the central account at your bank will remain.  The simple process of the bank raising your account due to deposits and lowering your account due to expenses will remain the same.  However, to maintain your budget, you cannot simply use the bank’s summary total; you must remain vigilant over each category in your budget.
• Stay on top of your electronic transfers—bills scheduled to be paid by your bank electronically will happen, whether you have the money in there or not. Some banks have a policy of paying the largest bill first, even if it is not the first transaction in your account on a given day.  That means that one mistake can lead to major overdraft issues.
• Be very wary of overdrafts.  For some banks, the fee for this can range as high as $100 per occurrence, sometimes charged to a credit card, thus driving you further into debt.  In a cashless society, the potential for overdrafts is very high when we do not keep abreast of our financial status.  In recent years, young adults have paid billions in fees to banks due to their own negligence.
• Know the difference between a debit/bank card and a credit card.  While a debit card actually provides protection for excessive debt, it has its own potential dangers.  Each time you use it, the cash is immediately gone from your account.  Consumer advocate Clark Howard urges you NOT to use a debit/bank card for online purchases due to electronic ID theft.  Other financial experts suggest the debit card RATHER THAN the credit card.  In either case, know the difference and be wise!
• Know your credit limit is NOT an amount to reach. “Too many people see their credit limit not as the maximum amount of debt they can go into, but as an account full of money that they can spend.”- David Berky, debt counselor.

• Consider using pre-paid cards in lieu of your bank card.  That way you can limit yourself to your pre-determined budget amount.
• Pay off your credit card monthly—this discipline will help you hold yourself accountable and not enter ballooning consumer debt.

In the end, discipline and determination will remain the cornerstone.  Even today where cash still exists, one can supersede the budget process by reverting to the credit/debit card once the cash in the envelope is gone.  In a cashless society, extreme vigilance and focused oversight will be the rule to prohibit you from overspending and possibly ruining your life financially.

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I mean, its pretty amazing to consider that each person who made purchases spent over $1000, and that’s just online shopping.  $1000 on, say, food would not be high at all, of course, but most people aren’t buying food online.  Instead, like my iTunes shopping, they are basically buying stuff that we don’t really need.

Anyway, some shopping is legitimate and real deals can be found online.  Just make sure that you are buying things for which you already have the money set aside.

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More than 2 million Americans seek financial help each year with the average amount of debt over $40,000.  Those who fail to deal with their financial crisis ultimately find themselves heading towards bankruptcy, which is a decision that carries long-term repercussions that harm your financial setting. Money also impacts your most important personal relationships.  Multiple studies show that a leading indicator of marital problems leading to divorce is financial issues, including bringing debt to the marriage.

So, how can you better manage your money?  By learning to live on a budget.  Graduate school was the first time that I lived “on my own.”  I knew nothing of budgeting, though I was aware of the dangers of debt.  Nonetheless, I lived on a simple principle of hoping I ran out of month before I ran out of money.  When I got engaged a few years later, I knew something had to give.  Luckily for me, I was browsing through my local Christian bookstore when I stumbled upon financial expert Larry Burkett.  His book Complete Financial Guide for Young Couples: A Lifetime Approach to Spending, Saving and Investing gave my bride and I a path to security.  We immediately made plans to apply the principles of a budget.  We are both convinced, 17 years later, that having that issue  under control allowed us to have a more successful marriage.  Today you can find other guides to help you from the wonderful website Get Rich Slowly to the powerful writings of Dave Ramsey.

By learning to live on a budget and manage your money, you prepare yourself to live within your means.  This opens the door for you to then use your increased salary to grow even more wealth for yourself or your family.  While we still have a relatively small income, we are blessed to have our needs easily met and we have no consumer debt at all.  As we have increase, we can put money away for our children’s education, basic savings, retirement or any current needs, from new shoes to vacations.  We never face the risk of debt.  A budget is freeing and allows us to live with guidance and restraint.  You too can experience this freedom.

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