The following question and answer comes from my book Success for Life: Answers to the 77 Questions College Students Ask. If you like what you read here, you can pick up your copy at an ALL-NEW LOW PRICE to read all of this helpful advice.
Why is it often hard to relate on a deeper level with people? Why is it so hard to trust people – even in close relationships?
There is nothing more difficult in the world that personal relationships. Students asked more questions about relationships than any other topic, which is not surprising. Humans were created for relationships and yet even with that in mind, the struggle to have good, deep relationships remains as elusive as ever. We need to know that we are not alone. We desire to be known deeply, yet it is hard.
Tom Hanks’ movie Castaway struck at this point deeply. The movie vividly demonstrated the difficulty in acquiring the necessary things for human survival: food, shelter, water, and fire. Then, the writer, William Broyles Jr. brought in a critical fifth element—relationship. On the DVD extras, there was an interview with a survival expert who praised the writer for including this “extra need,” relationship, through the creation of the character of “Wilson.” He said that for a human to survive, we must have connection to stay alive. It certainly worked for Hanks’ character in the movie and the depth of the relationship is seen at the end of the movie, when he loses the volleyball on the high seas. Hanks’ character is so distraught over the “death” of his friend, that he almost seeps into despair at that point.
Yet, even with this deep need, having a solid relationship is very hard. The “why” of that fact is not all that difficult to understand. To start with, we are all prideful beings. A human and an animal, particularly a dog, can get along great because at the root, only the human really knows pride. We also have this thing called “free will” and that often comes into conflict with another person’s own choices, own desires. It is also difficult because of fear. It does not take long in life to discover the pain of relationships, and as young children, tears and fights easily come as we struggle to make it in the world.
Most people will adapt their own strategy for survival in relationships based out of this childhood experience. Face enough torment from peers and many will shut down, withdraw. Others will enjoy being the tormentor, so they adopt an aggressive attitude towards others. Some will find a protective strategy of wearing masks, being who others want them to be. Still others will use comedy as a mask and a protective wall.
Now raising three children and having worked with people for about 30 years, I wonder how any of us actually reach a healthy self-esteem that allows for good friendships. For myself, this question was the most intimate to answer. When I was 20, it became clear to me that I simply didn’t have any deep friendships. Oh, I have tons of “friends,” but people I could trust, those I could really count on? Few, if any.
Looking back, it was made clear to me that the problem was more me than others. I had a high, thick, protective wall built around my heart and I had great fear of others. I was so fearful of not being accepted, not liked, that I simply struggled to ever let my guard down. It took long talks and prayers with my sister, Tina, and my closest friends in college, Kyle Gatlin and Keith Pugh. Together, they started me on the road to the deepest friendships I have ever known. Both men are still instrumental in my life today and we speak often.
Real friendships that are deep DO MATTER. As Castaway showed and John Donne wrote about in the early 1600s, in his work Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII, no one can make it through life alone. We need one another. Our society is now in crisis, I believe, mostly on this point. We need community. We need connection, yet most of us do not have it. So, even if you’ve been burned before (and who hasn’t?), you keep working with a trust of others to allow for and build up strong relationships.
“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.”
—John Donne