February 14, 2012 at 6:30 am, by Carl

I get asked for relationship advice often, both from my students as well as from my church members.  The desire for love is so intense that so many people make the worst possible decisions about their emotions and their heart.  The most special of relationships, one where each person is as vulnerable as possible, becomes a mad-dash experience equivalent to racing through Target on Black Friday.

 

When I wrote Success for Life, I wasn’t surprised when the #2 question I received from the surveys was about relationships.

 

How will I find that one person I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life?

Is there anyone who will really love me?

That this was the second most asked question should have been obvious to me.  I suppose it’s inevitable.  We all want to feel loved, and that desire for the long-term companionship is huge for most people.  There are books and books written on this topic, so I won’t try to compete with them.  Bottom line is, yes, you’ll find someone to marry unless you simply refuse to try.

 

But will you be happy?  Will you remain there?  Will you or they remain faithful to the commitment?  Those are the huge questions that fall into this question, so here are some thoughts for you.

 

To start with, love has little to do with it.  I know, I know—that’s pretty radical.  Nonetheless, I stand by my guns on this one.  The world has twisted and ruined what the word “love” means anyway, and few people comprehend what love really is.  So, while you are worrying about love, wondering if love will come your way, you are missing some vital clues as to what you should really be doing.

 

Trust is the #1 thing you should be focused on.  I have counseled many couples, married more than a few and the first thing I tell them again and again is that the basis for a solid marriage comes down to trust.  Is the person trustworthy or not?

 

And that is the clue as to what you should be doing right now: focus on building your own resume as a person of trust.  Focus on being the kind of person you’d like to meet someday.  As you do that, you’ll be in a stronger and more confident position to really live out of your strengths.  You won’t constantly be looking over your shoulder worrying if that girl or this guy has noticed you.  Rather, you’ll be confidently just being you, focusing on being the best you that you can become.  Work on always keeping your word.  Treat others with respect.  Give 100% in all you do.  Learn more about the things you value and then honor those values.

 

Doing that will enable you to really know yourself.  Along the way, others will notice your confidence growing.  Your charm and inner strength will be very attractive to others, especially those who value the same things that you do.  One day, you’ll look up from the joy of your life to notice this nice person who you really respect, who has the same values as you do, and you’ll think “I like being around this person.”

 

That will start you on the process of discovery of that person.  If that is not the right person, don’t fret.  You’ll have made a new friend with similar values and at the same time, you’ll keep living your life well and before long, another will come along.  You won’t be worrying about marriage, but thinking about yourself, your values and living life well.

 

And yes, at the end of the day, one of these “someones” will become “The One.”  How will you know?  You’ll start by knowing that you find them trustworthy.  You’ll see their character.  You’ll note how they treat their family, friends, boss, co-workers.  Do they go to work?  Do they lie to cover their tracks?

 

At the same time, you’ll want to see if their spiritual values match yours.  This is the deepest trait of a person’s system of living and you must only spend time going deep into relationship with someone who matches your beliefs.  Note this is not “are they the same religion?”  That does not matter as much as you finding someone whose passion for their beliefs matches yours.

 

Finally, as you go along, this is where your sense of finding this person attractive, that there are common likes, common activities, will come in.  Typically this one is the easiest for you, as you won’t be dating someone you don’t find attractive.  Still, I urge you to note that this is not your top focus.  Trustworthiness.  That is what you must focus on.

 

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.

— George MacDonald

 

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone—but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

—Walter Anderson