April 8, 2010 at 10:31 am, by Carl

Ever been around a relationship that went sour?  Watched two friends become enemies?  Wonder how a man who 5 years earlier made a vow, a covenant, with the woman of his dreams files for divorce?  Often the culprit is normal life that sneaks into the situation and builds an impenetrable wall between the individuals.


As I tell couples that I counsel or marry, living life together in any relationship is hard.  It is more difficult for married couples because they are working to create a single entity, an emotional, psychological and sociological connection.  Yet, even in non-marriage settings, maintaining relationships is challenging.


What often happens is that through the normal challenges of life, events conspire that end up becoming one more brick in the wall between the two people.  At first, it’s not really noticable.  One person forgot to call the other; someone was late for a planned meeting.  Perhaps, a business associate didn’t do the work in a timely manner or perhaps told some semi-private information of yours.  Regardless, at first it’s not too big of a deal.  You aren’t going to storm out of the room or file for divorce or quit your job, but psychologically, subconsciously, a brick has been laid on the foundation of division.


A threat has emerged that will ruin the relationship.  Over time, if left untended, the wall starts to grow.  Unless. . .


In a good relationship between friends, between business associates who want to succeed in the workplace, a husband and a wife, both partners will intentionally care for the relationship.  In other words, as a brick is laid and the wall starts to grow, in a good relationship, they will seek to take down the wall.  An apology here, a fun investment in time spent together there, a project completed happily together–taking the time to invest in fostering the relationship is metaphorically the same as taking down the wall.


I’ve had the sad misfortune of counseling people, married couples, students, who come with major communication breakdowns.  As we unpack the situation, it is clear that previously, in the past, they did not have this problem.  But, over time, the wall was built by small errors, hurts, issues and before long, they were no longer able to see one another.  Instead, now they are merely yelling at each other from behind the wall.


At that point, sadly, many just figure its easier to move on.  A covenant is broken and divorce happens.  A sense of betrayal occurs and one business partner is asked to leave the board or an employee is fired.  One coarse joke too many and one golfing buddy is no longer informed of the tee time and hurt feelings ensue.


As I tell students when presenting my program, Academic Success, “never let the relationship between you and the faculty member become adversarial–you need her to help you pass the class and get the credits to move closer to your dream.  You must protect that relationship even if the professor is negative, harsh or uncaring.”  They must make sure that they don’t let a wall develop between themselves and the professor.


Just tonight I was counselling a newly married couple here at my house.  Communication issues have emerged as an issue in their first months of marriage.  I think they will make it, I told them, as long as both of them determine to protect their relationship.  No one marries excitedly planning to get divorced.  No one wants a negative relationship situation.  Yet, you have to be willing to work at it and protect the marriage.


Don’t let a relationship wall develop.  A successful relationship can be maintained through the years as long as you keep taking down the bricks.