November 17, 2016 at 8:10 am, by Carl

It’s over.  Whew.  Finally.  I want to focus not on political lessons but on life lessons.  As I write on the front page of the blog, my effort in writing is to “spend my time helping others become, as T. E. Lawrence said, “dangerous [people]” who “act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible”….by hosting “a lifelong discussion about matters of values, success, and life lived well, both for yourself and for society at large.”

 

The recent election has, I believe, provided us all clues as to how Live Well in an age of fear, worry, transition and yes, even, hope.  Remember, as I wrote before the election concluded, we will live through this.  I don’t even know if this is the start of the major crisis or not.  But whether things are going to spiral downward in the days to come into a major storm…or perhaps we are actually in the midst of the great crisis, using History as a guide….we will live through it.  As we live through, then what we want to take away are the clues for how to live well in these days whether you are a student or own your own business.

 

The first thing to emphasize is that you must learn to listen.  I cannot stress this enough.  As humans, we need each other.  God made us for relationships.  We simply cannot survive alone.  It indeed is not good for humans to be alone.  But, if you are someone who refuses to listen to others, whether that is because all you do is talk consumed by the “me monster” or because you don’t care for the values or opinions of others, you will find yourself alone.  Oh sure, if its the latter (you have disdain for the opinions or values of others), then you might find some people who think like you to hang out with.  But not only is that an echo chamber, but in your work, in your neighborhood you will be alongside many others who don’t always see the world like you do.  If you focus on listening…and not listening just to retort, but actually listening to understand, to be curious and to even value the other as worthy of life, of their opinion…then you will find your life and worldview deepening.  That’s a good thing.

 

Second, you cannot marginalize “others” in your life.  Right now, both the “angry far right” and the “angry far left” are generalizing and marginalizing, and in doing so actually aid the continuation of the tension that they wish would end.  This connects, of course, to listening.  I give my students a similar statement of how to be successful in the classroom by reminding them to “build allies.”  You want the students around you…as well as the professor…to be your ally.  And in particular, don’t let the relationship with the professor become acrimonious.  I can promise you that at some point, you will need the “other.”  You will get no help when the person you need realizes that you’ve called them names or been dismissive to their views.  You can be the positive person that others love to be around by honoring and emphasizing the other person….not marginalizing.

 

Third, don’t be arrogant.  No one likes arrogance.   We’ve allowed ourselves as a culture, especially since WW2, to become the arrogant nation.  All of us.  Yes, even you who thinks you are outside the norm of our culture or aren’t part of the majority.  This is particularly critical if you have success in your life.  You win.  Good for you, but be humble about it.  In your tone, in your actions, in your eyes…lose the arrogance and you will find others much more quickly willing to help you.

 

Fourth, there is always more going on than you know in the life of others.  Can you sense a trend here?  These life lessons to live well almost all connect to other people.  We need each other.  We really do.  I was sad recently in my College when a peer basically told me that if I or others didn’t agree with their view on life, that I was evil or not to be tolerated.  I don’t think they meant it necessarily that harshly, but it is what they implied.  But when you make those kinds of declarations, you have no idea what has driven the other person to their view.  Instead, when we approach life with a curiosity, admitting that maybe you don’t know everything (see #3 above), you can be gentle to others.  Note, I don’t mean that by listening and being gentle that you’ll learn everything about someone; you won’t.  I’ve been married to my lovely wife for 27 years, but there are still many things in her past….and events in her current days…that I don’t know, that I am not privy to.  To be my best with her, I need to just patiently realize that when she says a certain thing or doesn’t do a thing the way I want or assume, there is more going on.

 

Fifth, don’t assume anything.  Yes…this idea connects to #4 above, but it goes further.  Don’t assume you are right.  Don’t assume you have the best read on the data or future conclusion.  Don’t assume the other person is wrong, stupid, unkind or evil.  Don’t assume you have all the info.  Don’t assume your insight is the best answer.  Don’t assume anything.

 

Sixth, accept defeat graciously.  Whining is ugly behavior in 4 year olds and in grown-ups.  You will lose…perhaps often in life.  But you will lose at least some.  If you think about learning, we always learn best through failing.  So, failing (falling when trying to learn to walk walk, crashing when trying to learn to ride a bike or getting a poor grade on a class assignment) is like defeat.  It is okay to be frustrated and even upset, but turn that passion on yourself…not on others.  All you have to do is look at how Cam Newton, the football quarterback for the Carolina Panthers, was treated after his press conference when he had lost the Super Bowl earlier this year.  People found his responses and then sudden departure from the press conference to be a rude display.  The current rioting and protesting after the election is exactly the same.  Sure…you can think Trump’s election will be bad or reflects values you don’t agree with….so get out there, meet people who differ from you, listen to them and then, over time, work to show them the benefit of your views.  Look in the mirror to decide what you didn’t do well enough, and then use your energy to make changes.  Whether you are working through why the girl of your dreams told you no about going on a date or you lost a sales contract to a competitor, lose graciously….and then take the lesson, make changes and move on to your next success.

 

Seventh, know that you may simply not understand.  As a Christian, I believe that God is on His throne.  I also believe that God is beyond me…that’s the difference between God and humans.  Thus, His ways are not my ways and, as God, His mind is beyond my own.  Even if you don’t believe in God…or not my God, there will still be mystery to events.  No human ever knows all that is going on.  Heck, if you are honest, there’s stuff you do or don’t do, think or say that you can’t even explain.  So, living in the midst of the fog when life doesn’t make sense is actually going to happen more than you realize.  So…in the midst of that, you take a deep breath, be even more patient (with others, with  yourself), and don’t act poorly.  The event or experience may NEVER make sense…and that’s okay.  Taking that humble, curious approach will serve you well navigating forward in life.